Why............

Why ?

Why do I fall in love ?

To reap the pain of failure

And to know endlessly that no matter what I give

It will never be returned in kind

Why do I cloud my own vision ?

To obscure the reality of others

And project my wishes onto them

Even when they aren’t shared

Why do I live with this searing pain ?

To walk day in and day out

Drowning in my tears

Never being happy but for rare moments

Why do I sabotage every friendship,

Every relationship I want. ?

I am so good at prophesying doom

And then making it happen

Why do I live at all ?

Business failing. Marriage abandoned

No hope for a secure future and no one

To care for me as I would for them.

Why am I alone, deserted, ignored

Trivialized, marginalized ?

Thought the silly buffoon

Unable to rise to the occasion

Why can’t I fix this and

Accept my role as the funny, caring friend ?

Always there to lend an ear, or my labor, or a hug

And to forevermore return to my rat hole

Alone

Why ?

Shards

Vincent stared blankly into space for a long time, unaware of the sounds and motions swirling around him. Though his eyes were open, he could only see the images playing over and over in his head, repeating like It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Day ad nauseum infinitum. Before him lay the emotional wreckage of the life he had left behind.

The exhaustion of his grief, at least temporarily, had allowed him to survey the damage in a dispassionate way, as if he were watching someone else walk among the ruins. He stepped carefully around the sharp shards of the broken marriage lying amongst the detritus of a life spent accumulating things instead of experiences. Vincent saw himself naked and wandering among the debris. He felt exposed to the world, as if everyone could see through his clothes and skin to the void and confusion in his heart. He shouted at those passing by, sullenly shaking their heads in disapproval at him. “You don’t understand…..you don’t understand….” But they all kept walking along toward the horizon, and were replaced by a new line of head-shakers.

He mutely stepped around cardboard-like images of his family, lying as if they were mowed down by some giant scythe, a look of sad surprise on their faces. Vincent cried the few tears he had left in his eyes, and continued wandering.

Occasionally, he would yelp and grab his foot, pinching at it with fingernails, dabbing away the trickle of blood so he could see better. He would pinch again and again until he pulled something out. Bending down to get a closer look, it appeared to be one of those marital shards – this one a sharp word said in anger over a perceived hurt. Then another from a broken promise. Some lay flat and crushed almost to dust; others stabbed dangerously out of the ground. He knew that he could spend the rest of his life picking shards from his feet, re-living the pain each time like the first, or he could move ahead.

A few years later, Vincent again seemed lost in a dream. This time, he gazed out over a bright green lawn from a vantage point above on a deck. The field was full of people, and he recognized faces – friends, relatives and his family – though they all seemed different. They were older, and he saw that they had families of their own, little sprouts playing in the grass. He looked to the side and saw his ex-wife, and she held a little girl in her arms, and leaned her over to kiss a pleasant looking fellow on top of his head, then she did the same, before turning and smiling over her shoulder at Vincent.

He thought about all he had learned over these past years, and  the rewards he now reaped for spending the time and effort to find himself.. Soft fingers slipped into his, and an arm slid around his waist. He turned but couldn’t to see who it was. The touch was comforting and sent a warm glow throughout his body and deep into his soul. And gentle words filled his heart with love and hope…. you can start over…..

Removing Blemishes in a Few Easy Steps

    I stared long into the mirror, eyes fixed upon the object of my scorn and disgust. Over the past few months, this thing had become the physical representation of all things ugly in my mind, heart and soul. As the ink on my arm is a visible daily reminder that happiness is my right and critical to my prosperity, each day this blight is a reminder that blemishes inside me needed to be excised.
    As I fell into a trance-like state, my mind wandered from the task at hand, and covered a good deal of the journey of self-discovery that I've been on for the past year. As I re-traced the path, much of it was like stumbling through some dark and despairing forest. Invisible roots seemed to reach up and trip me, and their brother branches scratched their long tendrils across my skin, leaving it raw and tender. The myriad little problems of each day of the journey  were like flies and mosquitoes swarming on the wounds.
    Then suddenly, some moment of enlightenment, some recognition of my ability to control my environment would light up the sky, and push back the dark and depressing forest for a while. Perhaps it was an evening discussion over a cider with a friend, or a door opened by a therapist, but something lifted me out of that darkness for a while. I'd stumble back into the darkness again, but each time that I "saw the light" - it lasted longer. And the light started illuminating the blemishes - some large, some barely noticeable.
     Look there - its apathy! Over there, selfishness, deception and manipulation! And self esteem is so low its hiding under that rock. There were so many of them, I felt as if I would be crushed under their weight. Then words of encouragement from so many sounded yet again in my ears, and I thought, "I can't get them all on this one trip into the light, but I can start". So one by one, I started cutting out most or all of these cancers on my soul, my character, my heart. It's not so hard when you can see them clearly, take action and accept responsibility for them.
     Suddenly, I found myself staring again into that mirror, though still in a dream-like state. I stared at that blemish, and it grew before my eyes into something larger and uglier than before. I resented it, and wanted it cut from my body the way so much hurt, guilt and weakness has been cut from the core of my being.
     Fully aware now, I looked around at the preparations I had made, meticulous and thorough as always. My uncertainty was gone. I have embraced the fact that some pain is good pain. Muscles that hurt from use grow stronger, a heart broken in love does the same. I knew that this action would hurt, though I was uncertain of how much. The fear of that pain was no longer stronger than my desire to rid myself of this thing. I knew it would bleed, but I have a lot of blood, know how to stop bleeding, how to dress a wound, and prevent infection.  I was ready.
    Like my tattoo, ridding myself of this unwanted intruder on my skin became a spiritual way of embracing my control over me in a way that no doctor's visit ever could. This was my vision quest; subjecting myself to certain pain to achieve a goal - something I never risked in sports, work, life or love.
   So with a steady hand, and a sharp blade, I rid myself of that blemish, took back a part of my body, and with it, more control over my life.

Faith Shaken

Clergy, and those holier than I, will tell you that this is Satan at work in my heart.

That the latest revelations of covering up the heinous acts of a relative few clergy should strengthen our resolve to rally 'round the Church as it deals with this crisis.

Perhaps Satan is at work in my heart. He was also at work in the hearts of the men that perpetrated these acts. But he reserved his most evil and insidious acts for the hearts of many church leaders for many hundreds of years.

I've been a "menu" Catholic for all of my adult life. Since I have reached the age of reason, I've have not believed in all the tenets of the Catholic Church. I believe it's irresponsible to advocate against the use of condoms in AIDS ravaged countries. I believe it's irresponsible to advocate against the use of contraception for birth control in hunger and diseased ravaged countries. I sat in disbelief in Catholic schools as we were taught that a person can only get to heaven by being Catholic; that priests can't marry and still be the holy representatives of God on earth.

I have become completely cynical about organized religion. This latest Catholic scandal has pushed me over the edge.The magnitude, sophistication and premeditated intent of this centuries-old coverup has completely shredded the core of my life-long belief and trust in the Church as protector and guide for believers, even ones who do not agree with every rule of Canon Law.

I'm sure the vast majority of nuns, brothers and priests are truly blessed and benevolent. However, apparently this closed, men's club mentality is so pervasive in the leadership of the Church that it brings into doubt every dictum that these fallen men have promulgated. The active suppression of the role of women in the Church, the hypocrisy of possessing immeasurable wealth in arts and treasures while begging us to help the poor, the history of tolerating Nazi atrocities against Jews to protect it's own interests, and the protection of deviants can no longer be tolerated.

These leaders have actually stolen the victims ability to be an active part of the church; robbed them of their ability to receive sacraments, all of which require the touch or "breath" of a priest - the position of trust and power that perpetrated vile acts against them.

How do we know what to believe, who to trust ? Which translation of the Bible is accurate - and not  manipulative workings to serve human purposes. Who decided that saying the rosary every day for one year takes 500 years off of my sentence in purgatory ? That divorce is OK in the Old Testament but not in the New, though a marriage can be annulled after 30 years if you can convince a panel of priests that it never should have happened, and grease enough church coffers.

I believe in a loving, benevolent God; I believe in Jesus, and His sacrifice for us. My faith and belief is shaken and barely holding together, but, to me, the existence of a Higher Being is beyond question. I will continue my search for a path of enlightenment to His/Her nature. It will will be my personal search, and not dictated by anyone or any "church".

Seeing Stars

Greg Brown sings in "Poet Game" :

I went out at night to take a leak
underneath the stars
Yeah that's the life for me.
There's Orion and the Pleiades
And I guess that must be Mars
All as clear as we long to be.....

Well, tonight was that kind of night. I took a walk around 9 PM, and the stars were as clear as they could be - at least in a city full of halogen lights. The street lights were almost noisy with their encroachment on the stars. But as I passed into a more secluded area, the blossoming trees blocked the filtering light, and the stars were very clear indeed. Instantly, I detected and savored the sweet smell of new spring flowers filling the air, even though I had passed them under the street lights and not noticed the fragrance.

It's funny how sometimes our lives are like that. We step out from the cacaphony of our turbulent lives and into a zone of relative calm.  And suddenly we see colors more clearly, friends more dearly and problems less severely. So, with apologies to a brilliant songwriter:

I step out at night to take a walk,
Underneath the stars
Yeah thats the life for me
There's happiness and hope and peace
And I guess that must be love
All as clear as I'm starting to see....

Sabotage

Why is it in life, that when a door opens for us, we so often slam another one shut ?

So often in my life, I have made choices - decided on an action, said something to someone, or just sat paralyzed doing or saying nothing - that rip the rug out from under whatever success or happiness I've managed to find.

I don't have an answer - this isn't that type of posting. I'm crying out into the ethernet for someone or something to scream at me and tell me to let good happen. Let happiness flow. Step out of the way, and let it wash over you. Stop trying to make it happen. Be aware of life as it comes to you and take it as it comes - stop trying to script it. Laughter and jokes do not make happiness. Real laughter is a result of happiness.

Sometimes, realization is a bitch. Perception is reality. Think first. Ramble last.

To all of you I've hurt - oh I pray you will forgive me. I to you will freely do the same...not that you'll ever need it.

Sunshine

I'm glad the sun shined on you today, to take away the chill winter air you dislike so much. The sun has missed you too. You're like one of those silver reflectors that people hold under their chins to tan their necks. The sun looks down on you, and sees you beaming and radiating her rays to everyone around you, adding them to the warmth you already send their way. Silly, I know. But it's a picture I see in my mind often - when I think of you.