Faith Shaken

Clergy, and those holier than I, will tell you that this is Satan at work in my heart.

That the latest revelations of covering up the heinous acts of a relative few clergy should strengthen our resolve to rally 'round the Church as it deals with this crisis.

Perhaps Satan is at work in my heart. He was also at work in the hearts of the men that perpetrated these acts. But he reserved his most evil and insidious acts for the hearts of many church leaders for many hundreds of years.

I've been a "menu" Catholic for all of my adult life. Since I have reached the age of reason, I've have not believed in all the tenets of the Catholic Church. I believe it's irresponsible to advocate against the use of condoms in AIDS ravaged countries. I believe it's irresponsible to advocate against the use of contraception for birth control in hunger and diseased ravaged countries. I sat in disbelief in Catholic schools as we were taught that a person can only get to heaven by being Catholic; that priests can't marry and still be the holy representatives of God on earth.

I have become completely cynical about organized religion. This latest Catholic scandal has pushed me over the edge.The magnitude, sophistication and premeditated intent of this centuries-old coverup has completely shredded the core of my life-long belief and trust in the Church as protector and guide for believers, even ones who do not agree with every rule of Canon Law.

I'm sure the vast majority of nuns, brothers and priests are truly blessed and benevolent. However, apparently this closed, men's club mentality is so pervasive in the leadership of the Church that it brings into doubt every dictum that these fallen men have promulgated. The active suppression of the role of women in the Church, the hypocrisy of possessing immeasurable wealth in arts and treasures while begging us to help the poor, the history of tolerating Nazi atrocities against Jews to protect it's own interests, and the protection of deviants can no longer be tolerated.

These leaders have actually stolen the victims ability to be an active part of the church; robbed them of their ability to receive sacraments, all of which require the touch or "breath" of a priest - the position of trust and power that perpetrated vile acts against them.

How do we know what to believe, who to trust ? Which translation of the Bible is accurate - and not  manipulative workings to serve human purposes. Who decided that saying the rosary every day for one year takes 500 years off of my sentence in purgatory ? That divorce is OK in the Old Testament but not in the New, though a marriage can be annulled after 30 years if you can convince a panel of priests that it never should have happened, and grease enough church coffers.

I believe in a loving, benevolent God; I believe in Jesus, and His sacrifice for us. My faith and belief is shaken and barely holding together, but, to me, the existence of a Higher Being is beyond question. I will continue my search for a path of enlightenment to His/Her nature. It will will be my personal search, and not dictated by anyone or any "church".

Seeing Stars

Greg Brown sings in "Poet Game" :

I went out at night to take a leak
underneath the stars
Yeah that's the life for me.
There's Orion and the Pleiades
And I guess that must be Mars
All as clear as we long to be.....

Well, tonight was that kind of night. I took a walk around 9 PM, and the stars were as clear as they could be - at least in a city full of halogen lights. The street lights were almost noisy with their encroachment on the stars. But as I passed into a more secluded area, the blossoming trees blocked the filtering light, and the stars were very clear indeed. Instantly, I detected and savored the sweet smell of new spring flowers filling the air, even though I had passed them under the street lights and not noticed the fragrance.

It's funny how sometimes our lives are like that. We step out from the cacaphony of our turbulent lives and into a zone of relative calm.  And suddenly we see colors more clearly, friends more dearly and problems less severely. So, with apologies to a brilliant songwriter:

I step out at night to take a walk,
Underneath the stars
Yeah thats the life for me
There's happiness and hope and peace
And I guess that must be love
All as clear as I'm starting to see....

Sabotage

Why is it in life, that when a door opens for us, we so often slam another one shut ?

So often in my life, I have made choices - decided on an action, said something to someone, or just sat paralyzed doing or saying nothing - that rip the rug out from under whatever success or happiness I've managed to find.

I don't have an answer - this isn't that type of posting. I'm crying out into the ethernet for someone or something to scream at me and tell me to let good happen. Let happiness flow. Step out of the way, and let it wash over you. Stop trying to make it happen. Be aware of life as it comes to you and take it as it comes - stop trying to script it. Laughter and jokes do not make happiness. Real laughter is a result of happiness.

Sometimes, realization is a bitch. Perception is reality. Think first. Ramble last.

To all of you I've hurt - oh I pray you will forgive me. I to you will freely do the same...not that you'll ever need it.

Sunshine

I'm glad the sun shined on you today, to take away the chill winter air you dislike so much. The sun has missed you too. You're like one of those silver reflectors that people hold under their chins to tan their necks. The sun looks down on you, and sees you beaming and radiating her rays to everyone around you, adding them to the warmth you already send their way. Silly, I know. But it's a picture I see in my mind often - when I think of you.

Giving Up On Happy

a bittersweet journey
to a place that could never exist
lies repeated untold times
to me, by me, until I believed.
it's a place for two
difficult to reach
but worth the effort and pain
only if two want it enough.
another gray and lifeless dawn breaks
realization and surrender

Dawn Breaks

Dawn breaks
And with it, my spirit
Prayers and dreams
Unanswered

Confusion, doubt
Settling slowly
Blanketing my heart
Suffocating

Gasping breath
I'm still alive !
Wallowing not an option
Determination

Hope arises
And with it, my spirit
Movement's the key
Forward

Carnival Ride

I'm not a big fan of most carnival rides - or at least I wasn't. Many new things appeal to me now, so who knows ? I didn't mind the occasional run down the Log Flume, or the Tilt-a-Whirl, or White Water Rafting, but nothing really intense. Nothing that flips me upside down or rushes me towards my death at the bottom of a roller-coaster.

Lately, I've had this recurrent dream, or snippets of a dream. There's a ride called "The Roundup". It's a circular ride. You stand up and hold some bars next to you. I'm sure there is a belt or a bar or something in front of you as well. The wheel starts to spin around, faster and faster, and the centrifugal force starts to press you back against the wall behind you.

If you concentrate, the people across from you are still in focus, because they are moving at the same rate of speed. Then, to add to the drama, the bottom starts to open and the wheel tilts, and images creep into your mind about falling out of the bottom if the wheel suddenly slows or stops. The whirring gears below you look like the teeth of some ravenous dinosaur just waiting for the first tasty snack to drop in.

As you strain against the G-force and to turn your head to either side to compare your level of uncertainty with your neighbor, your eyes are distracted from their focus by images of other rides and faces and lights whipping by. And now even that person across the way, traveling at the exact same speed as you are, starts to blur.

My dream doesn't end there, however. Suddenly, my handles start to recede into the wall behind me. The restraints unbuckle themselves and follow the handles. The ride is spinning faster now, and I feel the forces starting to tug me towards the upper edge of the wall behind me. I start to panic about being sling-shotted up and out of the ride, and come crashing down through the top of a large tent, killing not only myself, but a poor unsuspecting throng watching the 4-H junior pig raising competition, including the blue medal winner, Peggy Ann and her beloved pig Adelaide Marie.

Somehow, I suspect that this dream isn't too literal. As far as I know and believe, I will never again go on such a ride (allowing for the slight possibilities indicated in sentences one and two above). I suspect it has something to do with the fact that my life feels like it is spinning out of control, and I can't find my own handles to grab a hold and save myself from being unceremoniously tossed onto the hard pavement of life. Somehow, I need to program this dream to include the bit about looking to either side, where I will find my family and friends along for the ride. And look down to see that they have already grabbed my hands, and collar, and belt, and secured me against an untimely demise.

I'm starting to think that, the scarier the ride, the more I need to let go of the handles. And trust.